Dearest L.! How our hearts lept at your reply. That in only a while we could be with you, brought renewed hope and life to our often troubled hearts. We shall hold steadfast in the hope that we may yet see you in Calgary. However first there is business to attend and we fully understand and wish to address your concern. Though crying tears of joy, we yet took pains to consider carefully your letter and met in one of the Chateau's many secret places (these places, that yet you-- yes even you-- may learn of!) to discuss it.
Here is, then, composed at last on this my celebrated day, and after our conference two days hence, our considered response:
1. We shall endeavor to support you in freedom from the Nazi doctrine, particularly with respect to their sense of chore and cleanliness. Nazism was a scourge of the twentieth century to which we must never return-- or the human race be destroyed utterly! That said, we do ourselves desire a certain level of neatness in our abode. We hope in your desire to "be not a chore Nazi," you will still keep the living space up to a certain reasonable standard as we shall. Should you slump, however, it would only be our earnest happiness to take up after you. Just have it be known that our system of dishes and kitchen duties, into which detail I will not here delve, is exemplary of the tidy democratic spirit to which we all yearnfully strive.
2. The house shall not likely move, nor likely shall move the Alberta College of Art and Design (hereafter A.C.A.D.) in the two years following. Further, our landlords are feeble-minded and old and shall therefore unlikely prove themselves a serious obstacle to us should we ever decide to take the property from them by force. However, we feel that this would prove unneccesary, as they have not yet announced to us plans to demolish the Chateau (or otherwise displace us), and furthermore have not yet announced any plans even to increase the montly stipend that we pay to them. They are happy with us and our proximity to A.C.A.D., and insofar as we can tell they plan to change neither. The personnel compositing the household, however, is rather likely to change over the course least two years; but these changes should be not in any way haphazard but be carefully considered, potential applicants drawn from our inner circle as even now we do with you!
Now I must tell you yet more. In our discussions, after reaching this response we realized that we have perhaps not previously been entirely clear about our expectations for you as the newest (and hence, most junior); we do so here:
1. You shall dry our tears and comfort us when woe befalls. We wish to be dried with a dab-dab-dabbing action of your left hand, which shall be covered in a white glove and shall hold a white kerchief. Your right hand shall also be encased in a matching glove, and shall be placed upon our corresponding shoulder and make a patting motion repeatedly. If possible, we wish that this would continue until we are comforted utterly and so require it no longer.
2. You shall prepare meals for us, consisting regularly of choice cut of lamb and freshly drawn-out vegetable, the meat having had the blood drawn out completely so that none may be consumed (this in accordance to our belief and custom,) and the vegetable matter having no special requirement except that it be not overbaked, and that it have to it a succulent variety.
3. You shall herd any livestock that maychance happen to graze on our outdoors field. Although this is rough work, we feel yet this to be within reason, owing in particular to your nature of upbringing (which we need not mention) and your resultant general common sense in animal husbandry. Now way, do not protest! For insofar as it may be excess for you to look singly after the local sheep and goats, all would admit that it would be utterly injurious and even a shame to expect one of us to do it, we with soft palms, lank shoulders and such fair skin.
4. Last, you shall darn any and all torn garments, with the exception of socks and undies which owing to the pace of modern life and their relative inexpense may be replaced (the shopping duty falling to you but of course at shared dollar-cost with us.) Truth be told, we do wish to preserve a certain spartan way of life, and this involves some measure of not-throwing-away-that-which-can-be-made-fair-and-useful-once-more. To this end we all do our part: Kevin binds books, Peter smelts alloys and base metals, and I repair machinery. Your part then is merely to reinvest cloths and textiles with a new life.
We hope you find this letter agreeable. When we see each other once more it shall be a true occasion for thanks. Ans so we, your slaves, wait patiently on your reply,
Signed C., K., and P. (esq.)