These are the rules we follow here at the paper.

1. Persons writing for the paper must write only what they see with their own eyes
2. Persons writing for the paper are free to decide what they want to write and why they want to write it
3. Persons writing for the paper must publish their observations before going to bed for the night, or else amend the title with LATE ENTRY
4. The more northern antenna near Inland Athletic Park must never be photographed, by this or any other paper. If it is photographed, the photograph must not be published. If the photograph is published, it must be taken down and unpublished immediately. If it is not taken down and unpublished immediately, the newspaper that published the photograph must close. If the newspaper that published the photograph cannot or will not be closed, we must collectively despair our impotence and move on.
5. Articles can be corrected or made more clever at any time, without warning.
6. Persons interviewing for the paper can say "It's off the record" to an interviewee, but if they do then afterwards they must not publish what they were told and must not publish that anything was even said off the record.
7. These rules can be added to but never removed from or amended.
8. In case persons writing for the paper visit any wetlands after dark, precautions must be taken to avoid disturbing waterfowl who may be sleeping.

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