It all started when my friend, Dave King, decided to plan a ride out for our Bicycle Riding Team from Calgary to Brag Creek. Riders like me and my friends don't do anything on a bike for free, so the biggest hurdle was arranging sponsorship. Fortunately our friend Andy had connections with a French telecom giant who had missed bidding on the Tour de France and so after getting verification that the $1.3m Bicycle Riders Fee was in the escrow account, we started to plan our ride.
We'd head west out on 22X, also known as the Highway to Hell, and then on 22, known as the Cowboy Trail. A lot of cyclists have been lost to ambushes on the Cowboy Trail, but Dave would be riding shotgun and we'd all otherwise be carrying. Never go out on a road bike without arms, unless you want to lose your bike... or your life.
***
The day finally arrived and we met up at James McKivett drive. Heading west, we could smell trouble in the air. It was July on the prairies; which for those of you not ignorant of the wild west will know means Typhoon season.
Sure enough, about an hour into the ride, we started to get 15ft high breakers off of starboard. I may not be the biggest grizzled veteran, but I've seen my share of waves, but to be honest I was ready to bug out. Luckily, Kevin had a lot more experience and was able to see us through. But not by much.
***
The storm over, we felt sure we'd seen our share of action. A man can only be party to so much bad luck on one journey, so to get it out of the way so early, though we barely survived it, felt lucky.
Well, it turns out that independant events don't affect each other's probability at all. I'm going to have to read up on math.
We were only an hour out of our rendesvous point where we were to meet up with the rest of our posse when my ride broke down. Not a minor problem but a major technical issue; my chain had melted from the speed. I knew I'd have to stay, and so I told my Ride Brothers to leave me for dead. Fortunately, they were better men than that.
Kevin volunteered to stay behind, while Dave would ride on to Bragg Creek to meet the rest of the posse. Well, that night it got very cold. Luckily, Kevin's wife Justin Timberlake had packed a lot of cheeze, which we ate before we stripped down naked to sleep, bodies pressed together against the ice and snow.
In case I've offended your sensibilities, getting naked and pressing your body to another man's is a good way to stay warm. When your life is hanging by a thread you don't concern yourself much about appropriateness; you'll do anything to stay alive.
***
Later, Dave would relate his journey. We had planned to meet up with the rest of our Posse at Bragg Creek, as they were riding in from Tuscon, not Calgary.
Turns out when he pulled into Brag Creek the rest of our posse, namely Andy, Ken and Samir, were engaged in a heavy firefight with some holdouts in the old saloon. Fortunately, Dave's Winchester was able to silence that argument real quick.
Clearing out the bodies so as not to spoil the place for others, and paying the bartender for broken furniture, they grabbed their Fruit Smoothies and Bagels and set up camp for the night. Luckly the microclimate meant they didn't get the snowstorm that Kevin and I had to endure.
***
In the morning my chain had re-frozen into shape and I was able to ride again. My body was a little worse for wear, having been buried in a 6ft high snow back for 8 hours, but as to that, all I can say is thank goodness for the spooning of two human bodies and for fancy cheeses. Without both I'd sure be a goner, I know that now.
We waited for Dave and the rest of the posse to show up, which they did. We took it real slow back to town, because we knew camera crews would await.
Not much notable happened on the ride back. Oh, sure we had a little hail and Andy had to wrestle a small grizzly who took a likin' to his trail mix. Beyond that the most notable thing was when Ken bagged a whitetail with his .45. Slowed him down a bit, draggin' the corpse behind his bicycle, but the meat later on was worth it. Samir had to use his falconing abilities to scout another route when our usual one was blocked by landslide.
***
When we arrived in Calgary we had a true heroe's welcome, with media from all over the world present to report on our fantastic journey. A real frenzy, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Well, almost.
Since that day, which most of you will have read in the newspaper, doubt has been cast over the veracity of some of our claims. Such weak-kneed accusers as make their doubt known from their comfortable chairs in centrally-heated homes, clothed in flannel, I will not gratify with a response.
But those of our loyal fan-base, who may question whether we really made this trip as said, I just want to reiterate that no member of our Bicycle Riding Team has ever, at any time, despite our incredible accomplishments which are all true, used any performance enhancing drugs.
Ride Bravely.
Calvin
On behalf of
TEAM BICYCLE RIDING